Letters of Communication
by Madame Scorpion
Summary: Sadiq and Heracles are having there usual marriage communication problem, so they decided to write letters to each other instead. Rated T for language and various things .
1. Chapter 1

Dear Sadiq,

Even though letters are supposed to be filed with meaning and love (along with other corny stuff), I really don't know what to write. This has caused me to hate you, since you made me waist 16 sheets of paper; and now because of this you will not be receiving any "I love you's". You may be thinking 'What are you talking about you have plenty of paper', but your wrong. Being stranded on an island paper is not an everyday resource. All the paper I've written on so far has been stolen from your office or on the back of some important document…that I stole from your office. Anyway I feel that I should say something nice in order to make you feel better about yourself.

I ate some salmon…

That tasted like your vital regions…

Sincerely,

Greece

* * *

Dear Heracles,

Contrary to your dumb belief, not all letters are meant to be positive and the fact that you have come to this ignorant assumption has caused me to hate you just as much as you hate me. I don't really know what's wrong with you and believe me I (and many other people who believe you need professional help) have tried very hard to figure this out; but you are NOT stranded on an island. Setting up chair tents and playing Hawaiian music in our living room does not constitute your belief that you are somewhere on an island. For you to deny this means you are more mentally unstable that I had originally thought. Also, stay out of my office. I don't know nor do I care what important documents you stole, but if my boss finds out he's gonna beat my ass with a king size bottle of Raki.

P.S. I'm glad you like my gift, I know salmon is your favorite~

P.S.S. You get all that goddamn sand of my Persian rug; my sister didn't give it to me so that you could pour copious amounts of sand on it, so you can make sandcastles and sand angles.

Sincerely,

Turkey


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Sadiq,

I would like to start off by saying I'm glad the hate is mutual. But now to a more important issue. Stop crushing my imagination. If I would like to believe I am stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean then that's what I'm gonna do. I'm actually starting to like my island the weather is nice, there's plenty of food to eat, and I get to drink all the exotic fruit nectar I want, and there's no one here to nag me (even though the indigenous people are a little annoying at times; sometimes I must stab them with my spear to make them go away). Also it would be really nice if I could get some more of that salmon.

P.S. A little less saltiness with my fish.

P.S.S. The rug was a wedding present, and I have 90% claim to it, so suck it!

Sincerely yours,

Heracles

* * *

Dear Waifu,

Okay so, I don't know how bad your mental retardation really is, but I'm guessing your pass the point of no return. First off, the only reason the weather is nice is because you have the remote that controls the thermostat (something I want back before the end of the day). Two, there's plenty of food because you've been stealing supplies from the frig and taking back to your little 'Island' (which I found comical, cause you say yer imagination allows you to be on an island in the middle of the ocean yet your leaving your island and walking in and out of the kitchen. And the only way you could have done that would be if you swam across the ocean and that's impossible cause well...you can't swim). Third, having our butler bring you margaritas of all different flavors does not constitute as 'exotic fruit nectar'. And last, those 'indigenous people' you speak of are our CHILDREN and you CANNOT continue to keep stabbing them, were running out of money for hospital bills. And you wouldn't have to stab them in the first place if you just acknowledge there presence, since you've ignored them ever since you founded your island a week ago.

P.S. No more salmon for you!

P.S.S. You get rid of that sand or I will rape you!

P.S.S. I'm destroying your island in 2 days at 12:00 am on the dot, I suggest you evacuate

Sincerely,

Your husband~


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Turkish Bastard,

I'm getting sick and tired of your attitude. Just because you have a 4 foot sick up your ass, doesn't mean I should too. Let me express myself the way I would like without any complaints. You threatening my week long project is jeopardizing the equilibrium of this marriage. Another thing I would like to point out is that my island is meant to allow me some 'me time' hence forth meaning time for me. My island of 'me time' was not invented to include the children, had I wanted that I would have meant my island for 'family time'.

P.S. Then I guess no more sex for you.

P.S.S. Rape is a type of sex (but ya know only with force) and you will not have either until I get my salmon!

Sincerely,

Hera

* * *

Dear my favorite concubine,

First, I don't get attitude I get sassy~. And that stick isn't 4 feet it's 3 feet, thank you very much. Second, I don't have a problem with you expressing yourself as long as you do it like a normal human being (or nation being, I don't know). And since when has this marriage ever had equilibrium? Everything about this union has been off from the minute we got together, to the wedding day, till now! I don't think there's anything about this marriage that has equilibrium, and I'm sure many others can vouch for that. And before I forget, as of in 5 minutes your island will be no more, so finish your strawberry margarita and get the hell out of there.

P.S. You are a bad mother! Spend time with your kids!

With love,

Turk~


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Ungrateful Husband,

What in the world was wrong with our wedding! I happened to have hired professional wedding planners! Almost everything about the ceremony was absolutely perfect, from the very delicious X-mas cake (most be some kind of American cake thing), to the very beautiful elegant unicorn, heck even the fun sized dude that went around throwing lucky charms at everybody had a very important significant part in our wedding (even tho I'm pretty sure he wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place). The only downside were the doves, I felt like they were a little to extreme due to the circumstances...but aside from that everything was nice. Now I am fully aware you can't you can't appreciate the finer works of life and I must make up for that fault, but I FORBIDTH you to make fun of our special day or HERA SMASH PUNY TURK!

P.S. I am not a bad mother...I'm just not good at it, all the time.

Forever yours,

Mrs. Adan~

* * *

Dear wife that-is-most-likely-from-an-alien-planet,

...You have gotta be shitting me. Those people you hired were not professionals, they were America's descendents! And everybody knows you don't hire ANYONE related to him to do ANYTHING (except for Canada, he's okay), especially not New York City's kids! And the fact that you consider our wedding normal baffles me. I mean really, A 6 layer X-mas cake that was about 28 different colors AND glowed in the dark. The flower girl didn't even have flowers as she skipped down the isle, she had SUNFLOWER SEEDS (most likely Russia's doing)! And to top it all off you rode down the isle on the back of a unicorn! In what universe does ANY bride ride down the isle, let alone on the back of a fucking unicorn? And don't get me started on that leprechaun Ireland brought. He was butt naked on the roof throwing lucky charms at people! and you thought the doves were too extreme?!

P.S. You cannot forbidth me from bad mouthing our wedding, I was the only aspect that made it normal!

P.S.S I kinda like the sound of Mrs. Adan ~

Forever sane,

Sadiq


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Sadiq,

It has been almost 5 days since the last we have made communication. I just want you to know that I'm alright and I'll be home soon; make sure you kiss the kids goodnight for me. My current location I cannot reveal to you, for our family's safety. I hope you don't forget about me and stay away from Egypt (cause if you even THINK about getting remarried I will KNOW).

Far away but still thinking of you,

Hera~

* * *

Dear Kitty~,

Please stop making it sound like your in "Gone with the Wind." We both know exactly where you are and what act of stupidity you have gotten yourself into to have yourself placed there. Your in prison, and will most likely be there for the next 10 to 15 years. It just goes to show, holding up a Showmars restaurant with a loaded gun because they made your gyro incorrectly is not a very good idea. Nor is it very wise to shot an innocent man in the foot cause he said "That's the way we always make it!" But that doesn't really surprise me that you did those things. It's more surprising they didn't go for the insanity plea. Anyway, have a nice time in prison, and don't get raped.

Sincerely,

Turkey~


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Sadiq,

Tho the days feel like months since we last parted, the memory of you still lingers in my heart -insert dramatic music- Don't you just love how poetic I am? Like a Greek Robert Frost! Alrighty time for an update. You'll be happy and proud to know that your wife shanked his first prison guard yesterday, woot woot. I got a new cellmate after the last one got put on death row; his name is Dallas Winston. He's real tough and has been to jail like 5 or 6 times which I find surprising for someone who looks like Germany's kid. The food is radioactive and I'm afraid that our unborn child will end up like Alfred...-shivers- let's hope not. I blackmailed the Warden to get me out of this cruddy hell hole, though I'm gonna miss Dally he's got some pretty cool stories about his little gang of greasers back in Tulsa. It's easy gettin stuff done when you know the warden is having an affair with the male prisoner in Cell Block B and his wife just so happens to be your psyc doctor. Anywho XoXo~

Love always,

Greece~

* * *

Dear my little kitty,

There is nothing wonderful about you repeatedly stabbing a man who's just trying to do his job. If you were doing your job, just sitting at your desk signing papers andd some crazy man busted through your window and stabbed you in the stomach, how would that make you feel? Not a good feeling is it? Maybe the next time that your cooking dinner I'll sneak up behind you and jab you a few time with a steak knife through your spine. And you better not be thinking about getting touchy feely with Dallas Winston because I'm sure he wont like Thunder&Lighting putting a pounding on him. And don't you dare say your pregnant, again. It might just be a false alarm and you jinxed it! I can't be taking care of another one of your spartan spawns while dealing with you at the same. It's bad enough every time I walk down the street people whisper "Hey, isn't that the father of the crazy Adan kids?" "I heard his kids are on crack." or my favorite "Isn't he the one with the wife with the bitchin ass?". Okay maybe the last one I may have added in, but it's just to make myself feel better about marrying you.

Still fighting off the madness

Your Husband.


	7. Chapter 7

Hera looked at Sadiq through the plastic glass that separated them. His orange jumpsuit was wrinkled and caked in mud and dried blood, most likely from a brawl he had recently gotten into. Soft green eyes looked down and he quickly wrote something down on the back of a sticky note before sticking it to the glass and running off, a light blush tinting his cheeks.

'I love you~'

- Hera :3

* * *

**Just some quick fluff before I post another chapter later on today (Or tomorrow).**


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Hera

While it's nice to have you back in the sanctity of our home again after your vacation, there are some things that we need to talk about.

1) Those dishes aren't gonna clean themselves

2) The Liquor cabinet is empty

3) I have officially declared doing taxes women's work, so get to it.

When you have finished all of your training young grasshopper, there is a treat for you somewhere in the house in the form of salmon.

-Love your Hubby~

P.S. My sister is coming over for dinner on Saturday; please behave.

* * *

Dear Bastard,

You know that 'I love you' I gave you? I take it back you're a real asshole and you sure do like to show it. I can't believe the whole time I was incarcerated you didn't do shit! This house is nasty and dirty and ohdeargodIthinkIjustsawarat…..

I really hate you,

Sincerely, Herakles

P.S. No can do. The new episode of Doctor Who comes on at 8 and I'm not missing Matt Smith (even though I prefer David Tennant) for your ugly sister and her even uglier cat.

P.S.S We have therapy tomorrow, be there or have your sausage cut off.


End file.
